I feel so lost, i really do, its not a cliche...
I wonder what my purpose in life is, and i just cant seem to find it. NO matter how much I try i just dont seem to find what it is i'm looking for. I feel so trapped inside myself, i can't take it anymore, eventually i'm going to blow up and everything will just come out at once.
I feel like no one is listening to me, like no one wants to listen to me.... NO matter how much i scream, no one can here what i'm saying.
I want someone to understand me, is that so much to ask? Is it?
I'm not asking for pity, just understanding, someone to help me find my way.
Maybe i've changed, except not for the better? The old me used to volunteer and hang out with friends all the time, friends were always number 1 to me..now? I feel like a loser, who's losing her way.. i'm losing my way.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
First Day
Today begins the first day of classes, again...of course I am not looking forward to it! Never been much of a school person but at least i'm doing something i know will benefit my job :) so i have to make it work! I'm kind of excited because its not just a basic math or english course, its a training class I need, but i'm nervous...why? I dont know, everyone gets those first day jitters, right? :-p and of course as always everything goes really well, so lets hope this time is the same as every other time! I always worry for nothing! i'm stress, for nothing! haha just watch!! lets hope its like the best class ever! so i can keep going :) and be the best! lol ok ok i'm getting a little ahead of myself! oops...
In the mean time i am at work, playing on the comp because there's not much to do :) everyone is napping! shh.... hahaa i love babies!
I'm trying so hard not to make noise, even the slightest creak can wake up the babies! its like they have bionic ears or something haha its ridiculous!
Anyway i'm definitely looking forward to the next few months, i've basically got something planned for every month :) I'd like to fit tie-dye shirts in again, the kids loved it! :D except this time, i'd like to try something different like sheets, or socks? hmm or both! :)
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now! i wish i could focus one all of them, but one by one :) it would be much easier that way! unfortunately not everything is easy! that's what ambien is for! haha long nights, thoughts running through you head, you need an ambien! nahh haha smoke a bowl and relax :) get your mind off things, relax for a little bit, that is what sounds good right now! JK JK
kids starting to wake up! until next time.....
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Waking up
Hello,
This is my first post :) and i'm kind of excited, but...also a little nervous, when I think of things i want to write, i'm always like i should blog! now i'm here sitting at my desk and everything i wanted to write about has completely left my brain! I just hate when that happens! I need to start writing my ideas down, my thoughts, my feelings :) Everything! but i'm so forgetful!! ahh what a predicament haha
Well i'm sure once i get used to this i'll have plenty of interesting things to write about.
At the moment i'm just sitting here listening to my mom and my grandma bicker, and its not because they are arguing over something, no...They just communicate like that, with harsh tones and snippy comments...
But why!? I don't want to be like them, but it seems like sometimes i am!
I can be such a smart ass, and mean, rude, but who doesn't do those things....right? Everyone has emotions, not just ONE but multiple different emotions, so it's ok to feel anger, sadness, happiness, confusion? i think confusion is a feeling....you know, like "omg, i feel SO confused, what do i do!?" yeaaa haha just like that :D
SO what can i do when i feel like something is wrong with me? I always wonder, am I the only one struggling with this...? or am i the only one who feels this way, or thinks this? but i'm not...right? ;) hehe
I woke up this morning feeling sick, once the tummy ache went away I felt so awake, and in a good mood :) i liked it, i got my 8 hours of sleep, got dressed and out the door with my boyfriend, but somehow, now matter HOW early i try to wake up, we always walk out the door running 5 minutes late haha Its just IMPOSSIBLE for us to leave on time, and before i Never had that problem, i was always annoyingly early to things! I'd always get nervous before having to get somewhere so i'd show up a little early to be the first and see what i needed to expect, and that was for everything, even just hanging out with friends, if i'm not i start getting that weird feeling in my stomach, and i start getting nervous, but why!? even simple things like going out to dinner with a friend, or just going to work, i'd get that horrible nervous feeling. Fortunately though thats changed a little but not so much, especially if i'm alone, which is why i wonder....is there something wrong with me???
This is my first post :) and i'm kind of excited, but...also a little nervous, when I think of things i want to write, i'm always like i should blog! now i'm here sitting at my desk and everything i wanted to write about has completely left my brain! I just hate when that happens! I need to start writing my ideas down, my thoughts, my feelings :) Everything! but i'm so forgetful!! ahh what a predicament haha
Well i'm sure once i get used to this i'll have plenty of interesting things to write about.
At the moment i'm just sitting here listening to my mom and my grandma bicker, and its not because they are arguing over something, no...They just communicate like that, with harsh tones and snippy comments...
But why!? I don't want to be like them, but it seems like sometimes i am!
I can be such a smart ass, and mean, rude, but who doesn't do those things....right? Everyone has emotions, not just ONE but multiple different emotions, so it's ok to feel anger, sadness, happiness, confusion? i think confusion is a feeling....you know, like "omg, i feel SO confused, what do i do!?" yeaaa haha just like that :D
SO what can i do when i feel like something is wrong with me? I always wonder, am I the only one struggling with this...? or am i the only one who feels this way, or thinks this? but i'm not...right? ;) hehe
I woke up this morning feeling sick, once the tummy ache went away I felt so awake, and in a good mood :) i liked it, i got my 8 hours of sleep, got dressed and out the door with my boyfriend, but somehow, now matter HOW early i try to wake up, we always walk out the door running 5 minutes late haha Its just IMPOSSIBLE for us to leave on time, and before i Never had that problem, i was always annoyingly early to things! I'd always get nervous before having to get somewhere so i'd show up a little early to be the first and see what i needed to expect, and that was for everything, even just hanging out with friends, if i'm not i start getting that weird feeling in my stomach, and i start getting nervous, but why!? even simple things like going out to dinner with a friend, or just going to work, i'd get that horrible nervous feeling. Fortunately though thats changed a little but not so much, especially if i'm alone, which is why i wonder....is there something wrong with me???
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